The Kremlin Did It. They Pushed Me.

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The Kremlin Insiders did it. I fell on the way to the farmer’s market. I tumbled right into their scheme.

When I fell, I was walking without my walking sticks, crossing a crumbling and well-pot-holed stretch of city street.

They knew that someone heading to a sustainable, organic, woke farmer’s market peddling CBD oil and homemade lemon cracked pepper natural wheat fettuccine noodles would not like Putin.

A nice man stopped and helped me get up, scaring away the KGB agents who took off in a Ford 150 pick-up to blend in with the country folk.

I am bruised from head to toe.

I had a bloody lip and two toes are turning an awesome shade of purple, probably broken.

Too bad for the KGB agents I didn’t conveniently fall out of a seven-story hospital window while leaning too far out to catch a fresh breeze.

Neither did I mysteriously fall out of my yacht, drowning in three feet of water. A marina is just across from the farmer’s market. It sports lots of canoes and kayaks, easier to tumble from than a yacht.

I am confused. Am I being pursued by Putin’s enemies, his friends, or his used-to-be friends? Haven’t many victims been former friends? I was never a friend. Plus weren’t they oligarchs or VIPs? Not a member of those clubs.

I do plan to travel by train to North Dakota, the Siberia of the United States, where many Germans from Russia settled and their grandchildren still hang onto German from Russia traditions. They cook cabbage and dumplings and think that’s a treat.

Many Germans from Russia who settled the American plains were from the Ukraine area of what was then Russia. When you splice that history with present politics I think it leads to paranoia about being pushed.

Territory gets confusing, too.

In or out? Do they want to be out? But they’re being pushed in? They’re being pushed out, but they don’t want to be in?

The Russians are invading Ukraine because Ukraine used to be part of Russia, but Russians don’t want to fight Ukraine, they want to stay home and drink.

Drinking too much vodka is a real problem for the Russian people and for Putin, their leader. Nobody is addressing that problem. Life expectancy has been going down in Russia, and the population is declining in both Ukraine and Russia. That decline was before the war. Alcoholism is related to poor morale.

The Ukraine invasion was to divert attention from general Russian decline and poor morale. That plan didn’t work so well. So master strategist, Putin, is ordering conscripted Russian men to Ukraine.

Now Russians are demonstrating and fighting each other so they don’t have to fight Ukrainians.

I could make some jokes about Russian politics, but Americans have no superiority angle to play about politics. At least it is someone else’s dysfunctional politics, but it impacts all of us.

Sigh. Maybe the Russians should hold out for all-natural lavender-infused vodka, served with heritage new potatoes creamed with fresh dill.

And don’t turn their backs on anyone.