Me for Cabinet Secretary

I’m as unqualified as the next guy

I offer myself as Cabinet Secretary material. I have the following qualifications:

— I own some early Barbies with pencil skirts and stiletto heels.

— I have a pocket-sized version of the Constitution I could shred.

— I know nothing about agriculture, but I once got a farm-based subsidy for three years when I owned a cabin on 11 acres, where I did not farm. So I have been paid for not farming. The subsidy and my taxes canceled each other out, so I had a net zero cost to myself and the government for not farming. Efficient! I could run the Department of Agriculture.

— I am old, and maybe some people would describe me as doddering, I don’t know. But I’m not as old as the incoming President, so I’m a whipper snapper.

— A lot of federal employees work remotely. I could work remotely, and fly to Washington when needed. I’ve lived on the East Coast, the Middle West, and now the West Coast, so I have a broad’s — whoops, I mean broad — national experience. I have geographic representation, as there are not many West Coast nominees yet. I know most of the West Coast is blue, but I do live in a purplish county.

— I own a cat but have adult children, so I am not a childless cat lady. My cat is also available to serve where needed. Maybe she could be in charge of FEMA and Catastrophes. However, she hides in the cabinet when there are large sounds. I could do that too, as a Cabinet Secretary.

I read Sarah Palin was complaining that she hasn’t been appointed anything yet. Well, I haven’t been appointed anything longer than she has! It’s my turn before Sarah Palin.

I will always remember the Halloween before the election when she and John McCain were running because I lived in a college town where dozens of couples dressed up as Sarah Palin and John McCain and got drunk and made out. It was way creepy. Halloween creepy? Yup. Couldn’t watch.

Plus, I never understood the timeline of her last pregnancy and how nobody knows you are pregnant if you are a governor. Maybe if I don’t get to the bottom of the UFO conspiracy I can get to the bottom of this issue.

I haven’t met the incoming President, but I was in a room when he was on the telephone with his fundraiser, Louise Sunshine, who was negotiating affirmative action requirements on one of his construction projects. She had a hissy fit. That his fundraiser was negotiating the affirmative action requirements is everything you need to know about his New York projects. Some things don’t change.

Oh, that reminds me, if Agriculture is not available, I could be Secretary of the Treasury. I like the sound of that. The Treasury conjures up old trunks full of gold and silver coins. Although I think the Treasury Secretary is mostly managing debt, and I have a lot of experience managing debt. I also have an old trunk, but I use it to store blankets.

You can always contact me through this blog. It’s amazing who has.