Interview With Easter Rabbit

E.B. reveals preferred pronouns and contract negotiations

The first question for you Easter Rabbit — or Bunny, can I call you Bunny? — is what are your pronouns?

E.B. Yeah, well, this is a subject of debate. I am a rabbit, often pictured in a nice little jacket, so you might think I am Mr. Easter Bunny. People tend to put me and Peter Rabbit in the same bucket.

I lay colored eggs and hide them. Laying eggs would indicate I am a Ms. Easter Bunny, but since rabbits don’t talk or lay eggs, it’s your call. I’m flexible.

Let’s say they, their.

So, where did you come from, E.B.?

E.B. There’s no consistency in that answer either. Some people think Easter is related to estrogen which is related to a goddess of fertility, Eostre who had a hare, but that’s all speculation.

The pagans have a more significant lobby now, you know? The expression is “copulate like bunnies” so I think it’s related to our purported fertility.

The Easter Bunny tradition started with the Germans, who also brought us Christmas trees, and Hegel and Wagner and Hitler.

So, who you gonna trust?

I heard rumors that you and the Christmas Elves and the Tooth Fairy are organizing a union. Is there any truth to that? We know it’s been the year of the great resignation.

E.B. Look, I don’t get any respect, just once a year I have this job. At least the Tooth Fairy works intermittently, you know? Always on call. And Santa and the Elves, they have one big night but Santa is gigging in the malls during December, and the elves are busy in the workshop right up until the big night.

Yeah, so I probably have the easiest job, but I want to support my fellow workers.

We’re all up against Prime delivery, there’s a chance malls might go under, and the rates for the tooth fairy keep going up. It’s ridiculous what the fairy has to put under a pillow these days.

The kids are getting pickier about chocolate, too. Used to be you picked up jelly beans and a couple of Russell Stover chocolate eggs at Walmart, and you were good to go. Now there are hand-crafted chocolates that cost $5 and up for a single candy egg. And gourmet jelly beans!

Expenses, expenses.

What about the date of Easter? There’s no consistency.

E.B. Well, that’s one of the issues in contract negotiations. Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of Spring. Come on, who still operates on a timeline like that?

For those little kiddies in the northern states and Canada, Easter is far too early. All this fuss about Easter bonnets and patent-leather shoes and pretty dresses and then half the time they wear a parka and boots.

March has weather-like spring in most of the country, and the weather into April can be unpredictable. Floods, too many storms, sometimes snow flurries. Sometimes Easter falls on April 15, who wants to conflate tax day and the Easter Bunny? Or April Fool’s Day and Easter?

Anything else you want to talk about?

E.B. Two issues. More and more you see these humans in bunny suits, like they’re the new Santa Claus, forcing kids into taking pictures while the kids are screaming and their parents are smiling and making faces like fools. I’m totally against that. It makes me look bad, and Santa has enough without making Easter into Christmas.

Now the pet stores have gotten into it. Have you ever seen a dog wearing rabbit ears who looks happy?

‘Nuff said.

Thank you, Bunny, for your time.

E.B. No problem. Say, when is this story gonna run? I have a lot of family to notify.